one last thing..

Something weird happened to me the other day, I was visiting with grandma and grandpa eating lunch when grandpa quoted a Bible verse out of the blue (as he usually does... :-) And it went something like..."lean not on your own understanding...." Does anyone know the rest of it, in the moment it seemed enlightening to me, but it has since faded from my memory.

It's strange because grandpa has no idea what's going on with my Spiritual journey!

It's been a while...

I've been avoiding this page because it has felt so "daunting" to continue my exploration... I am also disappointed in myself for not following through as I had hoped, in other words I haven't been to Church or any other Spiritual institution like I had planned.

I would like to thank all of you who have written me regarding my journey and I would love to sit and have a chat as many of you propose, however that idea is also daunting because I have so many questions I don't even know where to start. Questions like how do we know the Bible is the absolute truth? There are other Religions that believe the same thing about their Holy texts. If the Bible is taken literally it makes no sense, it just seems like a fairy tale. Why do we have to accept Jesus Christ as our savior in order to get into heaven? There are so many people in the world that have not had the opportunity to even see or read the Bible (lost tribes, etc) what about them? The Bible's depiction of Heaven is a place where we worship God for eternity...this does not sound very great to me, I mean I would be separated from my spouse right? And what's the whole point anyway? God puts us through this life to test us and see if we will accept him, and after trial and hardship we have to base everything on faith alone and that is the final test? I just don't get it...I have so many more questions that I cannot articulate or formulate in words.

What I really have a problem with is for the past decade (at least since i was 15) I cried out to God and have begged Him to show me what His love feels like, to show me who He is, I have never felt a Spiritual connection with Him. When I talk to my husband about it he has had the same experience. When I was a teenager I tried so hard to feel God's presence and the Holy Spirit, I went to Church at least twice a week, and I prayed daily, I finally took a Missions trip with my Church group and brought a notebook with me. Each night I stayed up after all of my fellow youthgroupers had gone to bed, I sat in the stairwell praying and crying and begging God to show me Himself, I wrote pages and pages looking for an answer...needless to say I left that trip feeling more distant and Spritually weary than ever. That was my crossroads, after that trip my life took a turn, I think I knew it would before the trip, but I was hoping I would be enveloped in the Glory of God and finally be one of the Christians that I saw at school and church..just living for God. But I came away changed and thats when my downward spiral with drugs and alcohol began and didn't finish until I was 21. Now I am begging God again, but this time it's not all or nothing, I am hoping I will get even a glimmer of the truth and begin walking towards it.

As a child and especially as a teenager during the darkest moments of my life I could feel evil in my room at night, it hovered in the corner and took on the form of a dark shadow. I knew it was there and often had terrible night terrors because of it. I hadn't experienced this in many years, but two weeks ago I was at work in my room going to bed for the night and I saw the dark mass in the corner....well it's not as much seeing as it is feeling. I could see it in my mind and felt a terrible presence. I fell asleep frightened and that night I woke up with the distinct memory of having a dream where I was screaming out to God to show Himself to me, to reveal His love and show me who He is (not physically show me, but emotionally and Spiritually). Even when I awoke from this I was still sobbing im my mind asking God why...why He has never been real in my life. I laid awake for a while, the evil presence was gone but the dream lingered for at least an hour.

On a more positive note, I had two experiences in Mexico where I felt Spiritual energy, a presence, or God, whatever you want to call it.... once was when I was floating in the Caribbean on my back with my ears underwater...complete silence and surrounded by turqoise blue water. I closed my eyes and literally felt that something Spiritual was there in the ocean, and I felt that the Ocean was in pain and my mind went immediately to the oil spill, this may sound crazy but for a fleeting second it was like I could sense all of the spirits of the animals who were confused and anxious and worried about their habitat.

Another experience was in the Jungle, Noah and I were taking a nap on our bed in the bungalow with the grass roof over head. The birds were singing like crazy, I mean you really couldn't hear much except for the birds, and then came the thunder and the rain and I could smell the fragrance of the the flowers and trees all around us. Closing my eyes I felt as if I was in a tropical paradise and felt closer to God than any other time this year. I felt as if this is where God is, in the nature and the pure innocence of the birds and land around us, I walked away from the bungalow that evening overcome with the beauty of where we were, I couldn't help but think...there is no way all of this nature could have happened by chance, it is too stunningly and heartbreakingly beautiful.

Ok, well enough rambling for now...hope I didn't lose you in my dialogue!

accountability

You all have to keep me accountable, if anyone reads this, set up an account really quickly (it's free), and join as a follower, then you can make comments and we can have discussions about Religion & Spirituality, which is what I really wanted to do in the first place. Your comment can be as long as you want, just send me your thoughts....

So, it's been a month since I last wrote in here... so far I have gone to one church service, it was interesting and I think I will go again. I don't want to go because I feel like I "have to", but rather, the speaker really made me ponder some interesting questions about life. I enjoy having my mind opened up to other possibilities and I like the feeling of being intrigued and also (call me crazy) but I enjoy feeling uncomfortable about what a speaker is saying because it opens up a debate in my mind. However the service was not spiritually enlightening as I had hoped it would be.. hopefully I will discover a place of spirituality that awakens my soul!

I am still feeling disconnected from my childhood faith, I still have no answers, and as each month goes by I feel more distant. For example, in my science class last week we were discussing allele frequencies and genotypes. I understand that when two people who are genetically similar breed they produce less viable offspring...basicaly the concept was "inbreeding does not produce a population that can survive due to the limited genetic variability. This is a proven concept in science, just ask any geek you know... :-) But that made me think, according to this fact, it is not possible for 5 billion people to come from two people. If Adam and Eve had reproduced and their children reproduced with each other, their genotypes would have been so similar that their children would not have survived for long or would not have produced viable, fertile offspring...the same thing happens when you inbreed purebred dogs. So you see, it's the little "ah ha" moments like these that really make me feel less and less inclined to believe in the Bible. yesterday I went to the museum and checked out the Body Worlds Exhibit. It was AWESOME. That got me to thinking....on the other hand, how could something as intricate as the human capillary system in the brain be the result of natural selection, there MUST be a master plan and a design to this. I encourage my readers to go check out this exhibit and ask yourself if we could really be the product of years of evolution. And although I believe we do evolve and have evolved over history, I don't think it's possible that we became who we are purely from evolution, I can't explain it in words, but we are just too intricate and delicate, and there is this undercurrent in society that there is something MORE, something that we do not fully understand no matter how much religion tries to dictate it to us.

So what I am saying is , I don't know what I am saying. This is a place for a scattering of my thoughts and everyday I have some internal struggle that says "there's no way the Bible could be true, just look at this fact..." and another struggle that says "...this is not possible without God, science can't even explain this acccurately.." so I don't know, but I am going to really try to focus on going to some places of worship this summer (not necessarily all churches) so that I can come to some clarity and peace of mind about this all.

Let me leave with this quote:

Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking
--Kahlil Gibran

TTFN

Life is good

I know it's good friday and I should be thinking about how Christ must have felt on this day, but today I have been overcome with joy. I can't stop feeling this warm blanket of happiness thinking about my life. Life is good. I have an amazing husband, he loves me so much! He never gets angry with me, frustrated maybe but not angry. He doesn't raise his voice to me, he is the calm one when I am irrational or emotional. He always thinks I am sexy and beautiful, he buys me gifts and takes care of me...unconditionally. I never have to worry about that guy! I am so happy, I have a job that challenges me, a job that makes me feel fulfilled; like I am doing something worthwhile, I never dread going to work. I have such a cute house and I love my neighborhood, I enjoy my daily walks with my two adorable dogs who also love me unconditionally. I am almost done with school- for now. I enjoy my studies, they challenge me and make me think in ways that light a fire in my brain. School is amazing and I can't wait for the opportunities in graduate school. I have so many activities that I don't have time for zombie TV time- horses, roller-skating, skiing, friends... oh my I love my friends and I realize I am so blessed to have such an amazing group of friends who also love me no matter what! Tonight I am overwhelmed by the blessings in my life, and as I was contemplating these things on my walk I realized it is during these wonderful phases in life that I do not feel spiritual or the presence of God. But if God is here, He is blessing my life and yet it is during these blissful busy days that I do not think of Him or call on Him. It's true though, when I am going through moments of trial or sadness I look to Him. Right now I am not. Perhaps this is why I also cherish the difficult moments in life, it is during those moments that I feel closest to God and pray and cry to Him. We all need those moments to teach us about Spirituality and strength and hope and faith. When I find myself thinking about how content I am, I wonder...what will my moment of dispair be? And will that be the moment I find God? Doubtful, I have had plenty of those moments and although I have called out to Him, I rarely felt His comforting presence. Perhaps right now I am in the midst of His love and am too blind to realize it! hmmm... I think I will thank Him tonight.

ho-hum

I haven't touched base with this in a while because I honestly haven't had any recent experiences that are significant enough to write about. I have been thinking about my journey and wish I had something to blog about, but the truth is I just feel so out of touch spiritually, very ho-hum.

I am incredibly busy with school, work, taking care of two high energy dogs, spending time with friends, being with my husband... and I am incredibly happy and content. This makes me less inclined to stop and listen for those precious little moments when God whispers in my ear... it is during these busy joyful moments that God and spirituality are far from my mind. I will try to stop and be in the stillness when things start rolling as fast as they are right now. I need to dedicate a few moments each day to stop and listen. Maybe I will try meditating.

There were a few little moments at the beginning of the year when I felt a few tugs on my heart. I wrote them in my journal in a few haphazard sentences and will rewrite them here...

1/8/2010:

Las Vegas NV

Negative spiritual energy, dark undertone, a surging evil presence, seductive, deceptive....all wrapped in a pretty package to lure the unsuspecting into this demonic world.

1/9/2010:

San Diego CA

A warm spring breeze, scented with tropical flowers and freshly cut grass. The multitude of birds are singing and this garden tugs at my entire being. Nature, we were meant to dwell in it. A very positive energy exists here, it calms my soul. It is in these moments that I stop and breathe it in and can feel the spirituality in nature.

Joanne, a Christian girl who likes to have fun and doesn't judge. She is passionate, sweet and innocent and yet not naive. There is something about her very presence that makes me want to be more like her, I would like to learn more from her... if there were more Christians like Joanne I would be more inclined to be around them. I think I can feel Jesus radiating out of her being. There is definitely something there.

January Reflections

1/31-

Tonight before turning in for the night I took the dog and the puppy out for their usual late night walk. I bundled up in my sweatshirt, mittons and beenie cap and stepped outside into the crisp night air.

Walking downtown in the old historic district my eyes were drawn to the architecture and warm inviting feel of the turn-of-the century Victorian homes and 1950's Bungalows. Wrought iron fences adorn small yards with large trees completely shed of their leaves. Even though I could see my breath as I exhaled I felt very warm, both inside and out. Walking the dogs on my own is a wonderful time for me to contemplate, meditate and dream. I think about my life and how wonderful it is as I watch the dogs playfully sniff the bushes and bounce down the sidewalk. I think about my future and the life that is yet to come with my wonderful and adoring husband.

Tonight the night had an "other-worldly feel", and as I gazed into the brightly lit windows I felt as if I was getting an opportunity to stare momentarily into other people's lives. In a sense this brought a piercing sorrow as I thought of all the people who live so close and yet we know nothing of each other. But I continued on my journey with Pedro and Lucy on this enchanted evening. I did feel for a moment that I was in a storybook land, warm and filled with joy, to the point where there was a single moment in time where I stopped and inhaled, I felt a Spiritual presence....but perhaps it was part of the enchantment of the night, or my overflowing joy, but I guess there is a Spirituality in both. I often sense this when we are walking late in the quiet of the night and early in the morning as I gaze at the sunrise over the city skyline while the streets are empty and shops closed... there is a stillness and anticipation in the air during the morning walks, and a quiet fullfillment during the evening walks. And it is in these moments I feel calm spirituality, as if there is something else just beyond my fingertips...

Some thoughts from class...

Spending time at a liberal campus has opened my eyes to many controversies that have brought me to the point where I am questioning everything and anything about religion. These topics keep me up at night! I am going to outline a few excerpts from papers I have written that somehow were redirected to the topic of my religious upbringing...

EVOLUTION

Having been raised in a Religious household and attended private Christian educational institutions, evolution was a subject that was not up for debate; it simply did not exist and was not discussed. Therefore the topic was somewhat foreign to me throughout my childhood. That said; my current stance on evolution is slightly muddied. Recent study on the matter has brought forth many personal inflections and questions, and I find some of the scientific evidence indisputable. I am in a current state of limbo, trying to understand the faith of my childhood and how it fits into the logic of science. I can honestly say that I do not know if I believe we have one common ancestor that has evolved via natural selection throughout time. However, it is apparent to me that evolutionary processes are occurring throughout nature.

Culturally, as human species we have a long history of religious and spiritual beliefs to explain how we have come to be and the “meaning of life”. This stems from the early Paleolithic era where the human species did not have access to scientific methods, however they were evolving into a more sophisticated species and searching for answers to life and death. During this time period, the first belief in an afterlife began to formulate and basic religious rituals elevating animals and nature to the status of gods became an answer to unexplained phenomena in nature and life after death. These spiritual beliefs have continued to evolve and have branched into the major religions becoming a fundamental part of being human. If you look closely, all religious texts have some similarities... which one is the truth? Is Science the truth? People reject science because it is difficult to accept the newer theories which may contradict the fundamental spiritual beliefs and core values imbedded within our species.

Also, as Religious beliefs have evolved, many holy texts warn against the “false prophets” of science and other beliefs. These warnings cause many people to disregard scientific theory prior to understanding the process behind it. These arguments are often supported by the intelligent design concept, which essentially states that humans and other living beings are so intricate that there must be a mastermind behind the design. However, as evidenced in the essay by Kenneth Miller (see link below), this concept breaks down because the process of natural selection within evolution does indeed explain the intricacies of life. Although these arguments have a firm foundation, religion and spirituality are based upon faith, and when a person cannot explain their beliefs they resort to this notion, disregarding all other evidence that may prove otherwise.

The theory of evolution is a threat to religion. Spirituality and religion give a person meaning in this life; with modern scientific advances I believe people are afraid that their beliefs will be falsified, and when a person puts their entire faith into a God, they may lose their identity and have a tremendous sense of loss as their faith breaks down. From personal experience, I know this to be one factor in the opposition to evolution. Although the video “Why is evolution controversial anyway?” vaguely describes a convergence between evolution and religion, it does not explain how evolution fits into creationism. Many Christians do not adopt evolution into their belief system.

It is difficult for me to believe we come from creatures who are incapable of advanced logic and intellect, although one could argue it is the process of natural selection that has given our species such a high form of rational thought and behavior. But how does evolution explain the human soul, the very basis of our personalities and our moral code, especially regarding the uniqueness of human sexual behavior (see footnote)? From my studies I have found that it simply doesn’t.

Footnotes and Links:

Uniqueness of human sexual behavior: There are many distinct sexual factors that place humans in a completely separate category than all other animals. For example, humans have sexual intercourse at any time of the year, including humans who are infertile. Furthermore humans are generally monogamous and frequently co-parent (Diamond, 1997). As rational, intellectual creatures humans have the means to control fertility and stop pregnancy. And lastly, sex is a private act and is used for pleasure more frequently than it is used for the purpose of reproducing. The combination of these factors places humans above all other animals and does not follow the theory of natural selection in which survival of the fittest would dictate we have sex to reproduce only, and perhaps with multiple partners to increase reproductive success.

Essay: 'Life's Grand Design' (copy and paste into browser to view)

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/change/grand/index.html

Video: 'Why is evolution controversial anyway?'

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/11/2/e_s_7.html

Video: 'Isn't evolution just a theory?

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/11/2/e_s_1.html

SEXUALITY

I wrote this essay for a human sexuality class last semester. We had two significant guest speakers, one was a homosexual minister, another was a transgendered woman who had undergone a sex change operation (she was born as a male)

As the daughter of a minister, and a missionary minister nonetheless, I admit I was raised in a very biased environment. I was homeschooled and sent to private Christian schools for most of my education. It wasn’t until I was 15 years old that I finally attended a public school. My parents, my friends, and my entire social environment consisted of a very sheltered community where topics such as sexual orientation were forbidden. In the private institutions I attended, topics such as evolution, sex, and the “forbidden sins” (premarital sex, homosexuality) where either omitted from the curriculum, or completely chastised. Everything I learned about sexuality I learned in public high school. To this day most Christians are very prejudiced against the homosexual/bisexual/trans community. It is their belief that these individuals are poisonous to society and it is best to shun them. Being raised in the Christian community I also had a degree of prejudice and bias as a child. I still struggle with these issues. However, my biases towards the gay community have been replaced with a deep inner struggle with mychildhood faith. This is not a happy place for me, Religion has played such a role in my life, and now I find that I disagree with most of the doctrine. Hearing Rev. Kron speak initiated an outpouring of pent-up anxieties precipitated by the disconnection between my childhood faith and current beliefs. I find it extremely difficult to understand how a minister can also identify as homosexual when it is my understanding that the Bible has a firm stance on the “sins if homosexuality.” Furthermore I feel that many people chose to omit portions of the Bible or their faith which are inconvenient to their current lifestyle; I was dwelling on this throughout most of the lecture as presented by Rev. Kron.

Overall I will state that I struggle immensely with the subject of sexual orientation. However, I have found that hearing from transgendered individuals like Jennifer and forming relationships within the gay community, I have become increasingly comfortable with these individuals. I am entirely intrigued by their personas. I always believed they were just “sinners”; now I find they have hearts as immense and passionate as mine, if not more so. Jennifer spoke about being a young boy at the age of five knowing he was supposed to be a girl, feeling like a girl and wishing to be a girl. If there is a scientific basis to gender orientation perhaps this can help to unlock the mysteries and prejudices about sexual identity.

Once again, the readings and the lectures have neither reinforced nor discarded my beliefs. I believe this is because each issue we have touched upon; evolution, gender issues, equality, sexuality, etc. are very uncomfortable for me, and until I am forced to analyze them I generally repress my opinions towards these issues telling myself that …”I will figure it out someday”. For example, obviously as stated earlier I was raised in a strict home. According to my parents, evolution is absolutely a lie, gender is not to be tampered with, and God created heterosexuality for a reason. As I have become an adult I have struggled so much with my faith and these issues that I have just pushed them to the side. Thus, I will say that discussing these points has been extremely useful in helping me to break down my inner biases and begin formulating my own beliefs. I suppose as a 28 year old, I am behind the general population in discovering my feelings and beliefs towards these issues; however exploring them has certainly been an interesting experience

'what does science say about homosexuality?'

http://www.inqueery.com/html/science_and_homosexuality.html

Citation: Levay, S., Baldwin, J., Baldwin, J., (2009) Discovering Human Sexuality MA: Sinauer Associates

SUMMARY

These are only a few of the topics that have brought me to this point. I have addressed the following topics:

Evolution vs. Religion?

Religion vs. Homosexuality and Gender?

And now, to bring it all together, how does homosexuality fit into Evolution? It doesn't because it defies natural selection... interesting how these topics are all linked.