It's been a while...

I've been avoiding this page because it has felt so "daunting" to continue my exploration... I am also disappointed in myself for not following through as I had hoped, in other words I haven't been to Church or any other Spiritual institution like I had planned.

I would like to thank all of you who have written me regarding my journey and I would love to sit and have a chat as many of you propose, however that idea is also daunting because I have so many questions I don't even know where to start. Questions like how do we know the Bible is the absolute truth? There are other Religions that believe the same thing about their Holy texts. If the Bible is taken literally it makes no sense, it just seems like a fairy tale. Why do we have to accept Jesus Christ as our savior in order to get into heaven? There are so many people in the world that have not had the opportunity to even see or read the Bible (lost tribes, etc) what about them? The Bible's depiction of Heaven is a place where we worship God for eternity...this does not sound very great to me, I mean I would be separated from my spouse right? And what's the whole point anyway? God puts us through this life to test us and see if we will accept him, and after trial and hardship we have to base everything on faith alone and that is the final test? I just don't get it...I have so many more questions that I cannot articulate or formulate in words.

What I really have a problem with is for the past decade (at least since i was 15) I cried out to God and have begged Him to show me what His love feels like, to show me who He is, I have never felt a Spiritual connection with Him. When I talk to my husband about it he has had the same experience. When I was a teenager I tried so hard to feel God's presence and the Holy Spirit, I went to Church at least twice a week, and I prayed daily, I finally took a Missions trip with my Church group and brought a notebook with me. Each night I stayed up after all of my fellow youthgroupers had gone to bed, I sat in the stairwell praying and crying and begging God to show me Himself, I wrote pages and pages looking for an answer...needless to say I left that trip feeling more distant and Spritually weary than ever. That was my crossroads, after that trip my life took a turn, I think I knew it would before the trip, but I was hoping I would be enveloped in the Glory of God and finally be one of the Christians that I saw at school and church..just living for God. But I came away changed and thats when my downward spiral with drugs and alcohol began and didn't finish until I was 21. Now I am begging God again, but this time it's not all or nothing, I am hoping I will get even a glimmer of the truth and begin walking towards it.

As a child and especially as a teenager during the darkest moments of my life I could feel evil in my room at night, it hovered in the corner and took on the form of a dark shadow. I knew it was there and often had terrible night terrors because of it. I hadn't experienced this in many years, but two weeks ago I was at work in my room going to bed for the night and I saw the dark mass in the corner....well it's not as much seeing as it is feeling. I could see it in my mind and felt a terrible presence. I fell asleep frightened and that night I woke up with the distinct memory of having a dream where I was screaming out to God to show Himself to me, to reveal His love and show me who He is (not physically show me, but emotionally and Spiritually). Even when I awoke from this I was still sobbing im my mind asking God why...why He has never been real in my life. I laid awake for a while, the evil presence was gone but the dream lingered for at least an hour.

On a more positive note, I had two experiences in Mexico where I felt Spiritual energy, a presence, or God, whatever you want to call it.... once was when I was floating in the Caribbean on my back with my ears underwater...complete silence and surrounded by turqoise blue water. I closed my eyes and literally felt that something Spiritual was there in the ocean, and I felt that the Ocean was in pain and my mind went immediately to the oil spill, this may sound crazy but for a fleeting second it was like I could sense all of the spirits of the animals who were confused and anxious and worried about their habitat.

Another experience was in the Jungle, Noah and I were taking a nap on our bed in the bungalow with the grass roof over head. The birds were singing like crazy, I mean you really couldn't hear much except for the birds, and then came the thunder and the rain and I could smell the fragrance of the the flowers and trees all around us. Closing my eyes I felt as if I was in a tropical paradise and felt closer to God than any other time this year. I felt as if this is where God is, in the nature and the pure innocence of the birds and land around us, I walked away from the bungalow that evening overcome with the beauty of where we were, I couldn't help but think...there is no way all of this nature could have happened by chance, it is too stunningly and heartbreakingly beautiful.

Ok, well enough rambling for now...hope I didn't lose you in my dialogue!