September

The beginning of this month has been very hard, mostly because of the stress of the incredibly busy "summer of weddings..." with all of our activities Noah and I have not had much time together, and we didn't realize it because of the constant "go go go" of our day to day life. Finally, after the last wedding was finished I was so excited to settle into our normal routine but terrible wildfires began popping up across the front range. Cest la vie... Noah was taken from me for a couple weeks. Needless to say I noticed while he was gone how terribly lonely I was and how much I missed him. He came home from the fourmile fire for a day...only to leave again for another fire, and this time for even longer than the last. My emotions and the pent up stress of the summer came tumbling out of me with a vengeance and we began to fight. Yes, I got upset because he voluntarily signed up to go to the fire and we stopped talking for several days which was incredibly difficult but my hard-headedness and his stubbornness kept us in silence. I spent several loooong emotional days to myself, and went to bed crying, only to wake up wide awake (don't you hate that??) at 3 or 4 am lonely and depressed. One of these nights I awoke and I don't remember what I had been dreaming or if I had called out to God in my dream, but I awoke with this crystal clarity that there was a God...in fact I remember thinking to myself " how could I even doubt there is a God, of course there is!" I can't describe how I was feeling at that moment, it was just a sense that God was as real in that moment as the walls in my room, the beating of my heart, the gentle breathing of my dog fast asleep on the pillow next to me. He felt so real that I remember thinking how absurd it was that I had ever thought otherwise. It was not a feeling of "the Holy Spirit" in my room, or even the presence of God in my room, nothing like that...it was just a profound knowledge that yes, God is real. It wasn't a sense that the Bible and Jesus are real, it was just this knowledge that there is a God, a creator... It was kind of like one of those moments when a lightbulb goes on, an "ah ha moment" when you've figured the answer to a riddle and the riddle seemed incredibly complicated but in the end the answer was a plain as the nose on your face. I'm pretty sure I woke up, wide awake, and thought to myself "huh.. of course, God is real" and then went back to sleep. I awoke the next morning thinking about it but unfortunately all of my doubts had returned. Over the past few days I have found myself marveling at that moment in my room at 3am and wondering why I had felt so certain at that time that God was real and why I had even awoken with that thought in the first place... I just wish with all my heart I could have that certainty now and every moment from here out, it was a comforting feeling while it lasted...

That was the Spiritual moment of the week.