This is the journal of my Spiritual Quest. I am at a crossroads in my own understanding of Spirituality and enlightenment. I can sense that there is something out there and I have a strong yearning to uncover the truth, or at least a semblance of the truth about Spirituality. My hope is that this journal will help me to stay motivated, I have previously attempted to understand Spirituality and have given up in frustration, always with the hope that the answers would be magically revealed to me. I can honestly say that I hit rock bottom when I was 20 and there was no revelation and that brought me closer to God, as many Christians say is needed for that "life altering moment".
Now I want my family and friends to be able to offer input as I travel my Spiritual quest. I am also keeping a paper journal by my bed to record any dreams or experiences that I may reflect upon at night. Each post in this blog will be a different spiritual experience. Maybe I will get closer to the truth, and maybe not... hopefully my perspective will be enriched and I will find a path. Please feel free to add comments or posts that you feel may guide my journey. However, I do not want religious propaganda, condemnation or intolerance in this blog. That is not the purpose. I am trying to understand the essence of God and although I realize that may never happen I do believe that if I truly seek with my heart and soul I will uncover some answers. After all, I have always felt that there is something incredibly important that I have not yet seen and now I feel it tugging at me more strongly than ever before. I believe it is important enough to change the entire direction of my life.
So, some background about how I have come to this crossroads... My dad is a Christian minister, a missionary actually. My entire childhood revolved around the Bible and making Jesus the focal point of our lives. I went to a private charismatic high school and developed a very sour taste for religion. The school used religion as a tool to control us, it was portrayed as a set of rules and regulations, and the story of Jesus was used to instill fear in us; if we did not believe we would go to hell, and so on... this made Christianity more about power and control and less about relationships and love. I understand that is not the actual message of Jesus, however I have grown to hate what religion stands for, the fear and control it creates has caused fanatics to kill and hate. Whatever the cause, I greatly rebelled against my family and my religion and was expelled from high school my sophomore year. I fell deeply into the "hippie lifestyle" of the 90's; going to underground raves and falling deeply in love with trance and drugs. To be honest, I felt more spiritually alive while dancing in a throng of hundred of kids my age, high on acid and ecstasy, listening to music that touched my soul in an unspeakable way. I can vividly remember the constant tribal beat of the music, and the palpable energy that rose out of the crowd. These people were my family, they were non-judgmental, accepting, and also seeking for truth in a despairing world. These were my first true spiritual experiences as a teenager and I will probably touch on them again later. Prior to that experience I do remember feeling a very strong love for Jesus as a young child. I remember running around the grounds of the boarding school in Japan when I was 6 years old and feeling completely overwhelmed with my loved for Him. That was a time when I was completely innocent and there was no doubt in my heart that there was a God and He loved me. I think that was the last time I felt that way.
Back to my current situation... 2009 was intense for me Spiritually. I believe I have finally shed the confinements of my childhood religion and am ready to start with a blank slate.
Recently a coworker and deep friend of mine questioned my faith and brought up many issues that I have internally struggled with in the past, he voiced these issues and forced me to really analyze my religious background. Instead of challenging my faith and thus making it stronger I have begun to see the contradictions within the Bible. Furthermore I have been attending a liberal university and have been studying in depth evolution and other biological sciences. The more science courses I take the more the Bible seems like a fantasy, and the argument "just have faith" no longer holds up to logic and reason. I have also taken several courses on world religions and the teachings put forth by Prophet Muhammad, Confucius, The Dalia Lama and others has lead me to the point I am today. I simply cannot accept the teachings of the Bible as fact right now. Needless to say my soul is conflicted and now I am going to challenge myself to seek for answers in the year 2010 (and likely the rest of my life). Of all my goals for the new year this is my greatest wish, that I find some answers to these perplexing issues in spirituality. I am not really sure what my questions are, but as I stumble across them I am going to actively seek the truth.
Once I feel I am on the right path I will promise to dedicate the rest of my life to the answers that I find. That's it for now. Have a great night and Happy New Year!
