September

The beginning of this month has been very hard, mostly because of the stress of the incredibly busy "summer of weddings..." with all of our activities Noah and I have not had much time together, and we didn't realize it because of the constant "go go go" of our day to day life. Finally, after the last wedding was finished I was so excited to settle into our normal routine but terrible wildfires began popping up across the front range. Cest la vie... Noah was taken from me for a couple weeks. Needless to say I noticed while he was gone how terribly lonely I was and how much I missed him. He came home from the fourmile fire for a day...only to leave again for another fire, and this time for even longer than the last. My emotions and the pent up stress of the summer came tumbling out of me with a vengeance and we began to fight. Yes, I got upset because he voluntarily signed up to go to the fire and we stopped talking for several days which was incredibly difficult but my hard-headedness and his stubbornness kept us in silence. I spent several loooong emotional days to myself, and went to bed crying, only to wake up wide awake (don't you hate that??) at 3 or 4 am lonely and depressed. One of these nights I awoke and I don't remember what I had been dreaming or if I had called out to God in my dream, but I awoke with this crystal clarity that there was a God...in fact I remember thinking to myself " how could I even doubt there is a God, of course there is!" I can't describe how I was feeling at that moment, it was just a sense that God was as real in that moment as the walls in my room, the beating of my heart, the gentle breathing of my dog fast asleep on the pillow next to me. He felt so real that I remember thinking how absurd it was that I had ever thought otherwise. It was not a feeling of "the Holy Spirit" in my room, or even the presence of God in my room, nothing like that...it was just a profound knowledge that yes, God is real. It wasn't a sense that the Bible and Jesus are real, it was just this knowledge that there is a God, a creator... It was kind of like one of those moments when a lightbulb goes on, an "ah ha moment" when you've figured the answer to a riddle and the riddle seemed incredibly complicated but in the end the answer was a plain as the nose on your face. I'm pretty sure I woke up, wide awake, and thought to myself "huh.. of course, God is real" and then went back to sleep. I awoke the next morning thinking about it but unfortunately all of my doubts had returned. Over the past few days I have found myself marveling at that moment in my room at 3am and wondering why I had felt so certain at that time that God was real and why I had even awoken with that thought in the first place... I just wish with all my heart I could have that certainty now and every moment from here out, it was a comforting feeling while it lasted...

That was the Spiritual moment of the week.

Catch up

So, I have a few months worth of blogging to catch up on, sadly though I do not have much to write about! I am interested in going back to Pathways, and still have not checked out The Sanctuary by my house...I think I just get so tired working 24 hour shifts, my days lately have been spent taking naps every morning! But anyway, I also have a book on meditation and have found a place where I can learn to meditate, this sounds very interesting and I think I will check it out this fall. Especially after seeing the movie "EAT LOVE PRAY" I want to learn more about meditation and how it can open my mind and unlock my soul.

I had an interesting transport the other day. My partner and I were called to a lovely old home in downtown loveland, two retired Catholic nuns reside here. The call was dispatched as an 86 year old female who was feeling dizzy. She really wasn't very ill~ just mild dizziness, but with her recent cardiac history we decided to transport her to get evaluated. Let me describe this woman, a very petite and beautiful woman, with short curly grey-ish blond hair, soft skin with minimal wrinkles, and big blue eyes with long lashes that frame them. I imagine from the way she carried herself that although she must have been very attractive as a young adult, she was very humble and a very Spiritual woman. During the 15 minute transport she told me about how she was raised in the midwest and went to Mass as a teenage girl, even when she was in 6th grade she states she knew Jesus in a very intimate way, much different than her classmates and had no desire to marry or settle down, her only desire was to serve the lord. She became a Catholic Nun in inner city Chicago and was a nun for 35 years. I asked her if she regrets not getting married and having a family....her reply was along these lines..."I never felt the need to marry, when you have such a personal relationship with Jesus the only thing that matters is serving Him, I have never once been unhappy....but it makes me sad to see how so many people who think they have everything are walking around dead. It's only when people trust in Jesus that they find the true meaning of this life, it is not being in a marriage, having children, or pursuing a career...it's just about being with Jesus" when she told me this she had such love beaming from her eyes that I had no choice but to believe her, she is the absolute first person I have ever met who seems so sincere and in love with Jesus, she talked about him as if he was in the room with her, I almost expected him to say something out loud in agreement... I told her that I think the reason so many people are "walking around dead" and don't know Jesus the way she does is because He is simply so hard to believe in and feel, and she turned to me and stated "that's because they don't trust Him." She then told me that she thought she was in the ambulance with me for a reason, that she wasn't afraid of dying but that she was afraid of leaving this world without telling people about the truth. Now I still find it difficult to put trust in something that you don't even know exists, but I didn't want to get into too big of a debate with her, she was just so pleasant to listen to and be with and I can't lose sight that I have a job to do in the ambulance. However I would love to talk to her again someday.... But what had really amazed me was her medical history, she lives with another very Spiritual older woman who has the gift of prophecy, four months ago at about 3am, this woman awoke after dreaming that Jesus had come to her and told her that she needed to wake up and call an ambulance because if she didn't her roommate would die. Without even checking on her roommate first she called the ambulance, and then went into her roommates room to find her, barely arouse-able and with a pulse rate of 30. This woman was taken emergently to the hospital and given a pacemaker, without immediate intervention she would have gone into cardiac arrest. Overall I had the most beautiful impression from this lovely lady, and have never met a woman with such a heart for Jesus, or such a calm and humble presence. She did not attempt to witness to me, although I suppose she was in her own way, she was just talking about this person, Jesus, who she is in love with. That has been the best Spiritual encounter so far this year and has given me something to think about....perhaps I will check out a Catholic Church next?

Anonymous reply

If you email me, I will (with your permission) post your words anonymously... apparently the comments section wont work with this much text...

Anonymous poster wrote me this email after reading the previous post:

I was in your position about 10 years ago and had the same questions, some of them I still have, but they don't stop me from believing Jesus is my savior. When I was struggling with me faith I was hung up on all the questions and it became a stumbling block for me. It seemed I reached a turning point when I believed in what the Bible had to say. It doesn't contradict itself. If you read it in context of the time and in light of other books, it compliments each other. Other religions contradict the Bible and so you cannot believe them and be a Christian and vice versa.

I don't understand it all, but at least I could learn about God and Jesus by reading it. About that same time I took into consideration who Jesus was/is. When he walked this earth he claimed to be God. To use C.S. Lewis's words this made him a Liar, a Lunatic or Lord. He could not have just been a good person who walked the earth. he had to be one of those three things. I chose to believe that he is Lord and therefore can follow his words. If he was Liar or lunatic, there would be no point in following evven a fraction of his words. I also read in books, other than the Bible documented cases of people seeing Jesus after his resurrection- thus cementing the fact that he was God.

After I got those things down, I started to slowly answer the big salvation questions.

As for hearing God, I cry out too and feel as those he isn't there, but then there are moments of clarity and I can see him in my answered prayers. It is frustrating not hearing or feeling him. As for your experiences in the ocean and jungle- I think that is God. It says is the bible his creation will call out to you. As for it being the "universe" or cosmic energy, I don't believe that. It just doesn't make sense to me. What does the universe care about me? How did the universe create people? How did the universe create my path in life? Who keeps track of Karma? To me it just makes sense that there is one true God that created everything. After having a couple of babies it is hard for me to believe that they just evolved or happened to grow correctly inside of me and come out a human being. Everything has a creator whether its the universe or or a computer. Someone had to create it and with the universe I believe it was God.

What it does come down to is faith no matter what you believe, you have to have faith in it because there will always be questions. For example you have to have faith in what Buddha wrote about, you have to have faith the Bible is trues, you have to have faith even to believe that there is no God at all. The answers won't all be there, but like I said Christianity makes sense to me. I don't want to rely on a person- people are subjective and messed up.

Oh, that verse you were asking about is Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding"

one last thing..

Something weird happened to me the other day, I was visiting with grandma and grandpa eating lunch when grandpa quoted a Bible verse out of the blue (as he usually does... :-) And it went something like..."lean not on your own understanding...." Does anyone know the rest of it, in the moment it seemed enlightening to me, but it has since faded from my memory.

It's strange because grandpa has no idea what's going on with my Spiritual journey!

It's been a while...

I've been avoiding this page because it has felt so "daunting" to continue my exploration... I am also disappointed in myself for not following through as I had hoped, in other words I haven't been to Church or any other Spiritual institution like I had planned.

I would like to thank all of you who have written me regarding my journey and I would love to sit and have a chat as many of you propose, however that idea is also daunting because I have so many questions I don't even know where to start. Questions like how do we know the Bible is the absolute truth? There are other Religions that believe the same thing about their Holy texts. If the Bible is taken literally it makes no sense, it just seems like a fairy tale. Why do we have to accept Jesus Christ as our savior in order to get into heaven? There are so many people in the world that have not had the opportunity to even see or read the Bible (lost tribes, etc) what about them? The Bible's depiction of Heaven is a place where we worship God for eternity...this does not sound very great to me, I mean I would be separated from my spouse right? And what's the whole point anyway? God puts us through this life to test us and see if we will accept him, and after trial and hardship we have to base everything on faith alone and that is the final test? I just don't get it...I have so many more questions that I cannot articulate or formulate in words.

What I really have a problem with is for the past decade (at least since i was 15) I cried out to God and have begged Him to show me what His love feels like, to show me who He is, I have never felt a Spiritual connection with Him. When I talk to my husband about it he has had the same experience. When I was a teenager I tried so hard to feel God's presence and the Holy Spirit, I went to Church at least twice a week, and I prayed daily, I finally took a Missions trip with my Church group and brought a notebook with me. Each night I stayed up after all of my fellow youthgroupers had gone to bed, I sat in the stairwell praying and crying and begging God to show me Himself, I wrote pages and pages looking for an answer...needless to say I left that trip feeling more distant and Spritually weary than ever. That was my crossroads, after that trip my life took a turn, I think I knew it would before the trip, but I was hoping I would be enveloped in the Glory of God and finally be one of the Christians that I saw at school and church..just living for God. But I came away changed and thats when my downward spiral with drugs and alcohol began and didn't finish until I was 21. Now I am begging God again, but this time it's not all or nothing, I am hoping I will get even a glimmer of the truth and begin walking towards it.

As a child and especially as a teenager during the darkest moments of my life I could feel evil in my room at night, it hovered in the corner and took on the form of a dark shadow. I knew it was there and often had terrible night terrors because of it. I hadn't experienced this in many years, but two weeks ago I was at work in my room going to bed for the night and I saw the dark mass in the corner....well it's not as much seeing as it is feeling. I could see it in my mind and felt a terrible presence. I fell asleep frightened and that night I woke up with the distinct memory of having a dream where I was screaming out to God to show Himself to me, to reveal His love and show me who He is (not physically show me, but emotionally and Spiritually). Even when I awoke from this I was still sobbing im my mind asking God why...why He has never been real in my life. I laid awake for a while, the evil presence was gone but the dream lingered for at least an hour.

On a more positive note, I had two experiences in Mexico where I felt Spiritual energy, a presence, or God, whatever you want to call it.... once was when I was floating in the Caribbean on my back with my ears underwater...complete silence and surrounded by turqoise blue water. I closed my eyes and literally felt that something Spiritual was there in the ocean, and I felt that the Ocean was in pain and my mind went immediately to the oil spill, this may sound crazy but for a fleeting second it was like I could sense all of the spirits of the animals who were confused and anxious and worried about their habitat.

Another experience was in the Jungle, Noah and I were taking a nap on our bed in the bungalow with the grass roof over head. The birds were singing like crazy, I mean you really couldn't hear much except for the birds, and then came the thunder and the rain and I could smell the fragrance of the the flowers and trees all around us. Closing my eyes I felt as if I was in a tropical paradise and felt closer to God than any other time this year. I felt as if this is where God is, in the nature and the pure innocence of the birds and land around us, I walked away from the bungalow that evening overcome with the beauty of where we were, I couldn't help but think...there is no way all of this nature could have happened by chance, it is too stunningly and heartbreakingly beautiful.

Ok, well enough rambling for now...hope I didn't lose you in my dialogue!

accountability

You all have to keep me accountable, if anyone reads this, set up an account really quickly (it's free), and join as a follower, then you can make comments and we can have discussions about Religion & Spirituality, which is what I really wanted to do in the first place. Your comment can be as long as you want, just send me your thoughts....

So, it's been a month since I last wrote in here... so far I have gone to one church service, it was interesting and I think I will go again. I don't want to go because I feel like I "have to", but rather, the speaker really made me ponder some interesting questions about life. I enjoy having my mind opened up to other possibilities and I like the feeling of being intrigued and also (call me crazy) but I enjoy feeling uncomfortable about what a speaker is saying because it opens up a debate in my mind. However the service was not spiritually enlightening as I had hoped it would be.. hopefully I will discover a place of spirituality that awakens my soul!

I am still feeling disconnected from my childhood faith, I still have no answers, and as each month goes by I feel more distant. For example, in my science class last week we were discussing allele frequencies and genotypes. I understand that when two people who are genetically similar breed they produce less viable offspring...basicaly the concept was "inbreeding does not produce a population that can survive due to the limited genetic variability. This is a proven concept in science, just ask any geek you know... :-) But that made me think, according to this fact, it is not possible for 5 billion people to come from two people. If Adam and Eve had reproduced and their children reproduced with each other, their genotypes would have been so similar that their children would not have survived for long or would not have produced viable, fertile offspring...the same thing happens when you inbreed purebred dogs. So you see, it's the little "ah ha" moments like these that really make me feel less and less inclined to believe in the Bible. yesterday I went to the museum and checked out the Body Worlds Exhibit. It was AWESOME. That got me to thinking....on the other hand, how could something as intricate as the human capillary system in the brain be the result of natural selection, there MUST be a master plan and a design to this. I encourage my readers to go check out this exhibit and ask yourself if we could really be the product of years of evolution. And although I believe we do evolve and have evolved over history, I don't think it's possible that we became who we are purely from evolution, I can't explain it in words, but we are just too intricate and delicate, and there is this undercurrent in society that there is something MORE, something that we do not fully understand no matter how much religion tries to dictate it to us.

So what I am saying is , I don't know what I am saying. This is a place for a scattering of my thoughts and everyday I have some internal struggle that says "there's no way the Bible could be true, just look at this fact..." and another struggle that says "...this is not possible without God, science can't even explain this acccurately.." so I don't know, but I am going to really try to focus on going to some places of worship this summer (not necessarily all churches) so that I can come to some clarity and peace of mind about this all.

Let me leave with this quote:

Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking
--Kahlil Gibran

TTFN

Life is good

I know it's good friday and I should be thinking about how Christ must have felt on this day, but today I have been overcome with joy. I can't stop feeling this warm blanket of happiness thinking about my life. Life is good. I have an amazing husband, he loves me so much! He never gets angry with me, frustrated maybe but not angry. He doesn't raise his voice to me, he is the calm one when I am irrational or emotional. He always thinks I am sexy and beautiful, he buys me gifts and takes care of me...unconditionally. I never have to worry about that guy! I am so happy, I have a job that challenges me, a job that makes me feel fulfilled; like I am doing something worthwhile, I never dread going to work. I have such a cute house and I love my neighborhood, I enjoy my daily walks with my two adorable dogs who also love me unconditionally. I am almost done with school- for now. I enjoy my studies, they challenge me and make me think in ways that light a fire in my brain. School is amazing and I can't wait for the opportunities in graduate school. I have so many activities that I don't have time for zombie TV time- horses, roller-skating, skiing, friends... oh my I love my friends and I realize I am so blessed to have such an amazing group of friends who also love me no matter what! Tonight I am overwhelmed by the blessings in my life, and as I was contemplating these things on my walk I realized it is during these wonderful phases in life that I do not feel spiritual or the presence of God. But if God is here, He is blessing my life and yet it is during these blissful busy days that I do not think of Him or call on Him. It's true though, when I am going through moments of trial or sadness I look to Him. Right now I am not. Perhaps this is why I also cherish the difficult moments in life, it is during those moments that I feel closest to God and pray and cry to Him. We all need those moments to teach us about Spirituality and strength and hope and faith. When I find myself thinking about how content I am, I wonder...what will my moment of dispair be? And will that be the moment I find God? Doubtful, I have had plenty of those moments and although I have called out to Him, I rarely felt His comforting presence. Perhaps right now I am in the midst of His love and am too blind to realize it! hmmm... I think I will thank Him tonight.