ho-hum

I haven't touched base with this in a while because I honestly haven't had any recent experiences that are significant enough to write about. I have been thinking about my journey and wish I had something to blog about, but the truth is I just feel so out of touch spiritually, very ho-hum.

I am incredibly busy with school, work, taking care of two high energy dogs, spending time with friends, being with my husband... and I am incredibly happy and content. This makes me less inclined to stop and listen for those precious little moments when God whispers in my ear... it is during these busy joyful moments that God and spirituality are far from my mind. I will try to stop and be in the stillness when things start rolling as fast as they are right now. I need to dedicate a few moments each day to stop and listen. Maybe I will try meditating.

There were a few little moments at the beginning of the year when I felt a few tugs on my heart. I wrote them in my journal in a few haphazard sentences and will rewrite them here...

1/8/2010:

Las Vegas NV

Negative spiritual energy, dark undertone, a surging evil presence, seductive, deceptive....all wrapped in a pretty package to lure the unsuspecting into this demonic world.

1/9/2010:

San Diego CA

A warm spring breeze, scented with tropical flowers and freshly cut grass. The multitude of birds are singing and this garden tugs at my entire being. Nature, we were meant to dwell in it. A very positive energy exists here, it calms my soul. It is in these moments that I stop and breathe it in and can feel the spirituality in nature.

Joanne, a Christian girl who likes to have fun and doesn't judge. She is passionate, sweet and innocent and yet not naive. There is something about her very presence that makes me want to be more like her, I would like to learn more from her... if there were more Christians like Joanne I would be more inclined to be around them. I think I can feel Jesus radiating out of her being. There is definitely something there.

January Reflections

1/31-

Tonight before turning in for the night I took the dog and the puppy out for their usual late night walk. I bundled up in my sweatshirt, mittons and beenie cap and stepped outside into the crisp night air.

Walking downtown in the old historic district my eyes were drawn to the architecture and warm inviting feel of the turn-of-the century Victorian homes and 1950's Bungalows. Wrought iron fences adorn small yards with large trees completely shed of their leaves. Even though I could see my breath as I exhaled I felt very warm, both inside and out. Walking the dogs on my own is a wonderful time for me to contemplate, meditate and dream. I think about my life and how wonderful it is as I watch the dogs playfully sniff the bushes and bounce down the sidewalk. I think about my future and the life that is yet to come with my wonderful and adoring husband.

Tonight the night had an "other-worldly feel", and as I gazed into the brightly lit windows I felt as if I was getting an opportunity to stare momentarily into other people's lives. In a sense this brought a piercing sorrow as I thought of all the people who live so close and yet we know nothing of each other. But I continued on my journey with Pedro and Lucy on this enchanted evening. I did feel for a moment that I was in a storybook land, warm and filled with joy, to the point where there was a single moment in time where I stopped and inhaled, I felt a Spiritual presence....but perhaps it was part of the enchantment of the night, or my overflowing joy, but I guess there is a Spirituality in both. I often sense this when we are walking late in the quiet of the night and early in the morning as I gaze at the sunrise over the city skyline while the streets are empty and shops closed... there is a stillness and anticipation in the air during the morning walks, and a quiet fullfillment during the evening walks. And it is in these moments I feel calm spirituality, as if there is something else just beyond my fingertips...

Some thoughts from class...

Spending time at a liberal campus has opened my eyes to many controversies that have brought me to the point where I am questioning everything and anything about religion. These topics keep me up at night! I am going to outline a few excerpts from papers I have written that somehow were redirected to the topic of my religious upbringing...

EVOLUTION

Having been raised in a Religious household and attended private Christian educational institutions, evolution was a subject that was not up for debate; it simply did not exist and was not discussed. Therefore the topic was somewhat foreign to me throughout my childhood. That said; my current stance on evolution is slightly muddied. Recent study on the matter has brought forth many personal inflections and questions, and I find some of the scientific evidence indisputable. I am in a current state of limbo, trying to understand the faith of my childhood and how it fits into the logic of science. I can honestly say that I do not know if I believe we have one common ancestor that has evolved via natural selection throughout time. However, it is apparent to me that evolutionary processes are occurring throughout nature.

Culturally, as human species we have a long history of religious and spiritual beliefs to explain how we have come to be and the “meaning of life”. This stems from the early Paleolithic era where the human species did not have access to scientific methods, however they were evolving into a more sophisticated species and searching for answers to life and death. During this time period, the first belief in an afterlife began to formulate and basic religious rituals elevating animals and nature to the status of gods became an answer to unexplained phenomena in nature and life after death. These spiritual beliefs have continued to evolve and have branched into the major religions becoming a fundamental part of being human. If you look closely, all religious texts have some similarities... which one is the truth? Is Science the truth? People reject science because it is difficult to accept the newer theories which may contradict the fundamental spiritual beliefs and core values imbedded within our species.

Also, as Religious beliefs have evolved, many holy texts warn against the “false prophets” of science and other beliefs. These warnings cause many people to disregard scientific theory prior to understanding the process behind it. These arguments are often supported by the intelligent design concept, which essentially states that humans and other living beings are so intricate that there must be a mastermind behind the design. However, as evidenced in the essay by Kenneth Miller (see link below), this concept breaks down because the process of natural selection within evolution does indeed explain the intricacies of life. Although these arguments have a firm foundation, religion and spirituality are based upon faith, and when a person cannot explain their beliefs they resort to this notion, disregarding all other evidence that may prove otherwise.

The theory of evolution is a threat to religion. Spirituality and religion give a person meaning in this life; with modern scientific advances I believe people are afraid that their beliefs will be falsified, and when a person puts their entire faith into a God, they may lose their identity and have a tremendous sense of loss as their faith breaks down. From personal experience, I know this to be one factor in the opposition to evolution. Although the video “Why is evolution controversial anyway?” vaguely describes a convergence between evolution and religion, it does not explain how evolution fits into creationism. Many Christians do not adopt evolution into their belief system.

It is difficult for me to believe we come from creatures who are incapable of advanced logic and intellect, although one could argue it is the process of natural selection that has given our species such a high form of rational thought and behavior. But how does evolution explain the human soul, the very basis of our personalities and our moral code, especially regarding the uniqueness of human sexual behavior (see footnote)? From my studies I have found that it simply doesn’t.

Footnotes and Links:

Uniqueness of human sexual behavior: There are many distinct sexual factors that place humans in a completely separate category than all other animals. For example, humans have sexual intercourse at any time of the year, including humans who are infertile. Furthermore humans are generally monogamous and frequently co-parent (Diamond, 1997). As rational, intellectual creatures humans have the means to control fertility and stop pregnancy. And lastly, sex is a private act and is used for pleasure more frequently than it is used for the purpose of reproducing. The combination of these factors places humans above all other animals and does not follow the theory of natural selection in which survival of the fittest would dictate we have sex to reproduce only, and perhaps with multiple partners to increase reproductive success.

Essay: 'Life's Grand Design' (copy and paste into browser to view)

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/change/grand/index.html

Video: 'Why is evolution controversial anyway?'

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/11/2/e_s_7.html

Video: 'Isn't evolution just a theory?

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/11/2/e_s_1.html

SEXUALITY

I wrote this essay for a human sexuality class last semester. We had two significant guest speakers, one was a homosexual minister, another was a transgendered woman who had undergone a sex change operation (she was born as a male)

As the daughter of a minister, and a missionary minister nonetheless, I admit I was raised in a very biased environment. I was homeschooled and sent to private Christian schools for most of my education. It wasn’t until I was 15 years old that I finally attended a public school. My parents, my friends, and my entire social environment consisted of a very sheltered community where topics such as sexual orientation were forbidden. In the private institutions I attended, topics such as evolution, sex, and the “forbidden sins” (premarital sex, homosexuality) where either omitted from the curriculum, or completely chastised. Everything I learned about sexuality I learned in public high school. To this day most Christians are very prejudiced against the homosexual/bisexual/trans community. It is their belief that these individuals are poisonous to society and it is best to shun them. Being raised in the Christian community I also had a degree of prejudice and bias as a child. I still struggle with these issues. However, my biases towards the gay community have been replaced with a deep inner struggle with mychildhood faith. This is not a happy place for me, Religion has played such a role in my life, and now I find that I disagree with most of the doctrine. Hearing Rev. Kron speak initiated an outpouring of pent-up anxieties precipitated by the disconnection between my childhood faith and current beliefs. I find it extremely difficult to understand how a minister can also identify as homosexual when it is my understanding that the Bible has a firm stance on the “sins if homosexuality.” Furthermore I feel that many people chose to omit portions of the Bible or their faith which are inconvenient to their current lifestyle; I was dwelling on this throughout most of the lecture as presented by Rev. Kron.

Overall I will state that I struggle immensely with the subject of sexual orientation. However, I have found that hearing from transgendered individuals like Jennifer and forming relationships within the gay community, I have become increasingly comfortable with these individuals. I am entirely intrigued by their personas. I always believed they were just “sinners”; now I find they have hearts as immense and passionate as mine, if not more so. Jennifer spoke about being a young boy at the age of five knowing he was supposed to be a girl, feeling like a girl and wishing to be a girl. If there is a scientific basis to gender orientation perhaps this can help to unlock the mysteries and prejudices about sexual identity.

Once again, the readings and the lectures have neither reinforced nor discarded my beliefs. I believe this is because each issue we have touched upon; evolution, gender issues, equality, sexuality, etc. are very uncomfortable for me, and until I am forced to analyze them I generally repress my opinions towards these issues telling myself that …”I will figure it out someday”. For example, obviously as stated earlier I was raised in a strict home. According to my parents, evolution is absolutely a lie, gender is not to be tampered with, and God created heterosexuality for a reason. As I have become an adult I have struggled so much with my faith and these issues that I have just pushed them to the side. Thus, I will say that discussing these points has been extremely useful in helping me to break down my inner biases and begin formulating my own beliefs. I suppose as a 28 year old, I am behind the general population in discovering my feelings and beliefs towards these issues; however exploring them has certainly been an interesting experience

'what does science say about homosexuality?'

http://www.inqueery.com/html/science_and_homosexuality.html

Citation: Levay, S., Baldwin, J., Baldwin, J., (2009) Discovering Human Sexuality MA: Sinauer Associates

SUMMARY

These are only a few of the topics that have brought me to this point. I have addressed the following topics:

Evolution vs. Religion?

Religion vs. Homosexuality and Gender?

And now, to bring it all together, how does homosexuality fit into Evolution? It doesn't because it defies natural selection... interesting how these topics are all linked.

Dec. 31st 2009: introduction

This is the journal of my Spiritual Quest. I am at a crossroads in my own understanding of Spirituality and enlightenment. I can sense that there is something out there and I have a strong yearning to uncover the truth, or at least a semblance of the truth about Spirituality. My hope is that this journal will help me to stay motivated, I have previously attempted to understand Spirituality and have given up in frustration, always with the hope that the answers would be magically revealed to me. I can honestly say that I hit rock bottom when I was 20 and there was no revelation and that brought me closer to God, as many Christians say is needed for that "life altering moment".
Now I want my family and friends to be able to offer input as I travel my Spiritual quest. I am also keeping a paper journal by my bed to record any dreams or experiences that I may reflect upon at night. Each post in this blog will be a different spiritual experience. Maybe I will get closer to the truth, and maybe not... hopefully my perspective will be enriched and I will find a path. Please feel free to add comments or posts that you feel may guide my journey. However, I do not want religious propaganda, condemnation or intolerance in this blog. That is not the purpose. I am trying to understand the essence of God and although I realize that may never happen I do believe that if I truly seek with my heart and soul I will uncover some answers. After all, I have always felt that there is something incredibly important that I have not yet seen and now I feel it tugging at me more strongly than ever before. I believe it is important enough to change the entire direction of my life.
So, some background about how I have come to this crossroads... My dad is a Christian minister, a missionary actually. My entire childhood revolved around the Bible and making Jesus the focal point of our lives. I went to a private charismatic high school and developed a very sour taste for religion. The school used religion as a tool to control us, it was portrayed as a set of rules and regulations, and the story of Jesus was used to instill fear in us; if we did not believe we would go to hell, and so on... this made Christianity more about power and control and less about relationships and love. I understand that is not the actual message of Jesus, however I have grown to hate what religion stands for, the fear and control it creates has caused fanatics to kill and hate. Whatever the cause, I greatly rebelled against my family and my religion and was expelled from high school my sophomore year. I fell deeply into the "hippie lifestyle" of the 90's; going to underground raves and falling deeply in love with trance and drugs. To be honest, I felt more spiritually alive while dancing in a throng of hundred of kids my age, high on acid and ecstasy, listening to music that touched my soul in an unspeakable way. I can vividly remember the constant tribal beat of the music, and the palpable energy that rose out of the crowd. These people were my family, they were non-judgmental, accepting, and also seeking for truth in a despairing world. These were my first true spiritual experiences as a teenager and I will probably touch on them again later. Prior to that experience I do remember feeling a very strong love for Jesus as a young child. I remember running around the grounds of the boarding school in Japan when I was 6 years old and feeling completely overwhelmed with my loved for Him. That was a time when I was completely innocent and there was no doubt in my heart that there was a God and He loved me. I think that was the last time I felt that way.
Back to my current situation... 2009 was intense for me Spiritually. I believe I have finally shed the confinements of my childhood religion and am ready to start with a blank slate.
Recently a coworker and deep friend of mine questioned my faith and brought up many issues that I have internally struggled with in the past, he voiced these issues and forced me to really analyze my religious background. Instead of challenging my faith and thus making it stronger I have begun to see the contradictions within the Bible. Furthermore I have been attending a liberal university and have been studying in depth evolution and other biological sciences. The more science courses I take the more the Bible seems like a fantasy, and the argument "just have faith" no longer holds up to logic and reason. I have also taken several courses on world religions and the teachings put forth by Prophet Muhammad, Confucius, The Dalia Lama and others has lead me to the point I am today. I simply cannot accept the teachings of the Bible as fact right now. Needless to say my soul is conflicted and now I am going to challenge myself to seek for answers in the year 2010 (and likely the rest of my life). Of all my goals for the new year this is my greatest wish, that I find some answers to these perplexing issues in spirituality. I am not really sure what my questions are, but as I stumble across them I am going to actively seek the truth.
Once I feel I am on the right path I will promise to dedicate the rest of my life to the answers that I find. That's it for now. Have a great night and Happy New Year!